Ask More

Between the last update and this one, I have enjoyed the visits of two of my siblings and their families. It was absolutely wonderful having them here! I am so blessed!

I've been struck lately with the realization that we rarely ask God for as much as He wants us to. During my third chemo treatment a few weeks ago I got very nauseated towards the end of the infusion. Most of the nurses had gone on lunch break and several other patients needed the attention of the remaining nurses, so I kept my mouth shut and God got me through it without throwing up. The next week I was expecting something similar to happen but there was no nausea, not even a little bit! (And yes, I got scolded for not saying something the week prior.) Mom said she had been praying my nausea would be less, and the Lord had impressed her that He could take the nausea away completely. She agreed that He certainly could if He wanted to, but she didn't ask Him to. Later that day, two people told her they had been specifically praying that I would have no nausea during that treatment. God wanted Mom to ask Him for more.

I know people around the world are praying for my healing, either complete or at least enough to get me through till Jesus comes and I can have a new body entirely. Some days I am sure He will show His power in a marked way, because so many with weak or new faith are watching to see what He does. Other days I feel like I should start planning my funeral so Daniel doesn't have to. Good thing faith isn't dependent on feelings and emotions! As my grandpa's favorite song says, "My Lord has promised good to me, / His Word my hope secures; /  He will my shield and portion be / As long as life endures. Through many dangers, toils, and snares / I have already come; / 'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, / And grace will lead me home."

Today's visit with the oncologist was good. My white blood cells are back up, so I can have my next chemo treatment tomorrow. The other bloodwork looked good, too, apparently. Some of my liver enzymes are starting to elevate, but that's to be expected with chemo and they're nowhere near the troublesome levels yet. The oncologist said the largest breast tumor felt much softer than he had expected, and the entire breast was much improved, the redness/inflammation gone and the swelling almost gone. He's ordered a CT scan so he can see what's actually happening inside. He's very happy with how things are looking, although I can tell he's still puzzled somewhat. 

We found out that my tumors have two genetic mutations, both of which are rare, but they both provide additional options for treatment in the future. However, both mutations are rare enough that not much research has been done yet to know how well the targeted treatments work long-term.

So I'm determined to ask God for more. More chemo treatments without nausea. Better liver functions than the doctor expects. Less pain, when everyone in my medical team expects me to be asking for stronger painkillers. More courage and joy to share with those around me. More tolerance (and even enjoyment) of foods that are good for me that I don't like to eat. A CT scan that shows the power of my Jesus to heal. More souls who fall in love with their Savior because of this valley I'm going through. Big things and little things. Why? Because the same Jesus who raised Lazarus from the dead, who gave Sarah a baby when she was 90, who healed lepers with a word or a touch - this same Jesus is my Jesus, and He hasn't lost His power to heal or His love for us. I'm ok if He chooses to say no to a request. But I'm asking anyway!

As is now becoming a tradition with these updates, enjoy one of the songs that has been running through my mind while I type this! My dear friend Sabrina reminded me of it, and you can listen to a beautiful rendition here.

Valleys? Or Mountains?

It's been a bit since I posted an update. Apologies for that! Between the roller coaster of this disease and the delightful visits of family and friends, I couldn't find the energy for this post until now.

If you skip over all the rest of my ramblings and musings, hold tight to this nugget of the update: God is still faithful. My Jesus' grace is still sufficient, and His strength is still perfect even in my weakness (see 2 Cor. 12:9). 

The medical details of this update aren't anything dramatic. There's nausea and other unpleasantness in the nitty gritty details of this valley. There's fatigue and the ever-present cough. Some days are better than others. I had my fourth chemo treatment to go to today. But in the weariness, the sickness, the pain, the worry - Jesus is there. The other night my back was hurting, the ice pack wasn't helping, and the ibuprofen hadn't kicked in yet. I was trying to fall asleep and not succeeding. So I told Jesus about it, and asked for His grace to endure it, but would He please make the pain subside enough so I could fall asleep. Next thing I knew, it was the wee hours of the morning, nature was calling, and I had gotten better sleep than I had for awhile. When I got back in bed, I started talking to Jesus again, this time thanking Him for answering my prayer for relief from the pain so I could sleep. The little thought floated through my mind as I drifted off, "I answer the small things to build your faith that I am also answering the bigger prayers. Ask more!" The psalmist wrote, "O Thou that hearest prayer, unto Thee shall all flesh come" (Ps. 65:2). Our God is the God known for hearing prayers. Hallelujah!

I've been thinking about valleys and mountains. In the figurative sense, everyone seems to want the mountaintop experience, the excitement and exhilaration of big things accomplished or wider horizons viewed. No one likes the valleys, with their trials and struggles, their closed-in sides, or their loneliness. But think of the literal mountains and valleys. The literal mountaintops are a struggle to get to; they rarely have an abundance of plant or animal life because the height of the mountain exposes it more severely to the weather. Literal valleys can indeed be barren wastelands, just look at America's Death Valley. But most valleys have an abundance of flora and fauna; they are protected by the surrounding mountains from the harshest weather. 

I've lived a good portion of my life in the valleys, both literal and figurative. Growing up in Tennessee, my family attended church (and music lessons, and countless other things!) in Dunlap, located in the Sequatchie Valley. I love that valley and the people I got to know there! I've lived most of my life in figurative valleys, too, most of which were hidden valleys that very few, if any, knew about. The obvious ones were growing up in a broken and blended family, going through a major medical emergency when I was 8 (complications with a surgery), and losing our house to a fire two days before Christmas the year I was 16. 

Here's what I'm beginning to realize about myself: I prefer the valleys. When it comes to the literal geological forms, I actually like both. But the figurative ones? Give me the valleys. And no, I'm not joking. It's quite simple, really. On the mountaintop, I can catch a glimpse of the Almighty, a taste of the power of the God I love and serve. But in the valley, He walks alongside me. To me, the mountaintop is necessary and inspiring, but lonely. I like the valley because my Best Friend is there. No, I don't like the trials and struggles. But I treasure the small reminders of His love for me that He scatters across my path with every step. I take courage during the hellish darkness of a painful thing because that's often when I hear His voice and feel His presence most clearly. Let me go back to the verse I referenced in the second paragraph. 

And He said unto me, "My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me" (2 Cor. 12:9).

I don't like all aspects of this latest figurative valley, but I won't deny that my soul is being refreshed in a way it hasn't been in years. Why? Because Jesus is walking closer to me through this valley than He's ever been before, and how can I not be thankful for that?! I will continue to choose joy in this valley, because the power of Christ is being seen through this.

One of my sweet sisters-in-law recently sent me the link to this song (listen here). It was a beautiful reminder for me, and I hope it blesses you as well. Until next time, keep trusting our Savior!

A Dark Valley and God's Hand

 It's been a little bit since my last update. This valley has gotten dark and difficult. After my ER visit, I went for a CT scan to make sure I didn't have any blood clots. The oncologist called us the next day because the scan showed that one of my vertebrae was severely compromised. No blood clots, thankfully! But this particular vertebra, if it fractures any more will compress my spinal cord and cause partial paralysis. Scary thought! Because of the results of the CT scan, I was put on antibiotics (for a potential lung infection) and scheduled to visit the radiation oncologist as soon as possible.

So I will be pausing my chemo treatments for two weeks and doing radiation on my spine for that time instead. In preparation for this radiation treatment, the radiation oncologist ordered an x-ray of my right femur, as a previous bone scan in June had shown a definite cancer lesion there. Today, when we got the results of the x-ray, we caught a glimpse of God's hand! The results stated that there was no indication of cancer anywhere in my femur! There was cancer in that bone in June, but not today. We are praising God for this reminder that He is working, even when we can't see it (or feel it!), and that He is not going to waste this cancer!

I've been thinking lately of an old hymn, "There'll Be No Dark Valley When Jesus Comes" (listen here). Years ago, I was scheduled to play a flute/recorder duet with Dr. Roger Nelson for church one Sabbath. However, a few days before we were to play, Dr. Roger had a stroke. We hadn't picked a song yet, so I asked his wife if she knew what song Dr. Roger had been planning for us to share. She said he hadn't told her, but the hymnal was open to "There'll Be No Dark Valley." So that's the song I played solo that Sabbath, since Dr. Roger wasn't able to play with me. It's been a special song to me ever since and has been running through my head this last week. I can't wait for the dark valleys to be gone! But in the meantime, I know we don't walk them alone. Whatever the valley, however dark or light it may be, when we place our hand in Jesus' hand we never walk alone!

Going Deeper into the Valley

 First of all, Daniel and I want to thank everyone for their prayers and love. We have felt God's hand on us through this whole ordeal. Deciding on a treatment plan was very difficult. We were blessed to be able to have a consultation with Dr. Neil Nedley, from Weimar, as well as with an integrative oncologist. Dr. Nedley agreed with my first oncologist that my prognosis, without a miracle, is 3-5 years with aggressive treatment. He advised us to go ahead with the chemotherapy treatment and suggested several alternative therapies to do alongside the chemo. The consultation with the integrative oncologist had a similar result. She recommended we contact an oncologist in Pennsylvania who is doing cutting-edge research into T-cell therapy for breast cancer. When Daniel called the number, the doctor himself answered (definitely arranged by God!) and when he heard me coughing he told us that I needed to start the chemo immediately and look into joining the study after I finish chemo. So through the counsel of three additional doctors God made it clear that I was to start chemo.

Tuesday I had my first chemo treatment. I was given Benadryl to help with nausea, etc., but I didn't realize how strongly I reacted to the stuff! It put me into such a deep sleep the nurses were worried because I couldn't answer their questions if I were to have a negative reaction to anything.Thankfully the treatment went smoothly, and I went home to sleep... and sleep... and sleep! I felt the effects well into Wednesday! Wednesday evening my temperature started to climb. Now that I am a chemo patient, if my temperature reaches 100.4 it means an automatic trip to the ER. In the middle of the night last night, we had to go to the ER and we were there for quite a while. 

I am home now, and resting. We're so grateful for the prayers going up on our behalf, and we can feel God holding us through each new aspect. Please continue to pray for God's will to be done. As Dr. Nedley pointed out to us, without a miracle, I will die from this, but we know the Miracle Worker!

Digging Wells in the Valley

 There's an old song I heard years ago, and it describes the importance of leaving a well of joy behind you when you travel through a valley in life so that those who follow after will be encouraged by your experience. I had forgotten all about that song until just before my first biopsy, when it "just happened" to show up as a recommendation on YouTube (click here to listen). I think that's when the idea first registered in my brain that I was just starting through a dark valley. 

Proverbial valleys aren't fun. In fact they are often symbolic of especially difficult times and circumstances. But even in this valley of cancer, I'm finding that God is digging wells for me - wells of joy, peace, and hope. But before I continue to wax eloquent on the wells I'm finding, let me give you the latest update on our cancer journey.

My oncologist took my case to the Tumor Board, but he hasn't told us any of the outcome. He has told us that my case is incurable, and that with a highly intensive plan of chemo, radiation, and hormone therapy, I might have 3-5 years left. We are seeking a second opinion (and third or fourth!) and we'll see what the integrative oncologist has to say. The integrative oncologist blends conventional and alternative therapies as much as possible, and my current oncologist has stated that he is unwilling to allow any alternative therapy in my plan, unless I wish to smoke marijuana. Lol! So we are still praying for wisdom on how God would have us proceed with building a plan of treatment.

In the meantime, we have been doing some natural treatments, which will at the very least slow the growth of the tumors while we are in this waiting time. God has blessed in many ways, including lessening my bone pain significantly. I'm exceedingly grateful for the relief!! Last week was difficult, as I had a coughing fit that triggered a massive muscle spasm in my lower back that took several days to recover from. But our Jesus is still faithful!

Thank you to everyone who is praying, and those who have shared advice or offered help. My family and I feel incredibly loved! Please, keep praying, as I know our God has only just begun to show His power!

Back to the wells. I'm finding that God is digging a well of joy in this valley He's walking with me. I can see the beauty around me more clearly as I look at the plants on my walks or when I see my friends' child smile and laugh at the frog she's just caught. There's a joy, too, in seeing the outpouring of love and care from more people than I can count - I had no clue God had used me to bless so many, and the knowledge that He has done so brings more joy than I can tell you, because there's no joy like the joy of knowing you've been working with Jesus. And because of this well of joy He's been digging in my valley, I'm finding extra pleasure in sharing joy and humor with those around me. It's such fun to get the nurses to laugh while they're doing whatever they have to do to me!

The wells of peace and hope are side by side. Knowing the greatest Physician of all has personally taken my case brings both peace and hope like nothing else! Spending time with Jesus in the mornings gets sweeter every day, and the promises He gives me from the Bible are so precious. Regardless of how this trial turns out, whether I live or die, I know that my Redeemer lives, and that heaven will more than make up for anything I go through here on Earth.

So, as you go through your day, look for the wells of joy, hope, and peace that Jesus is digging for you, too!

The Valley of the Shadow

  Cancer. Not a diagnosis anyone wants to hear, especially when you're young and have so much life ahead of you. Welcome to my newest training experience.

About a month ago, I was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma -- breast cancer. As the days went by, and the doctors ordered more tests, we discovered that the cancer had already spread to my lungs and several bones. My pain steadily increased and I developed the cancer cough. I lost count of the times I wished for a mask that said "I don't have Covid -- I have cancer!" 

We're just beginning this journey through cancer, but as we were inundated with calls, texts, and emails from friends and loved ones wanting to share their love and support, Daniel and I realized we were going to need a way to keep everyone updated without wearing ourselves out. Perfect time to dust off this blog!

So the most recent update is that God is still faithful! The oncologist is taking my case to a panel of other oncologists and doctors of various departments (someone called it the Tumor Board) this week to get their input. We're waiting for one or two more tests, and we're still praying about what treatment plan God wants us to pursue. After all, each person and situation are unique, and who better to know the best treatment plan than the One who created me in the first place? 

Though we're just beginning this journey with cancer, God has been helping us to look to Him and to His promises. Whatever the outcome ends up being, I know Who holds tomorrow, and I know Who holds my hand. My mom's pastor wrote and recorded this song for us: "Jesus, My Life Is in Your Hands." Its message is beautiful and has already been such an encouragement to us. May you be blessed as well!

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. ... Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me" Psalm 23: 1, 4.

Until next time, stay close to the Shepherd!

Hello Again!

It's been a long while since I posted. Sometimes I wonder why I stopped blogging. Then I think, "Where do I start?" and I remember why I haven't done so.

Life has happened.

There have been tough times, like helping get a new school up and running. There have been inspiring times, like GYC. There have been joyful times, like courtship and engagement (yes you read that right!). There have been heart-rending times, like losing my father last month. I have lived much, and learned even more.

Because I have learned that no matter the state of the sea, my Jesus is still able to walk on the water.