Ask More

Between the last update and this one, I have enjoyed the visits of two of my siblings and their families. It was absolutely wonderful having them here! I am so blessed!

I've been struck lately with the realization that we rarely ask God for as much as He wants us to. During my third chemo treatment a few weeks ago I got very nauseated towards the end of the infusion. Most of the nurses had gone on lunch break and several other patients needed the attention of the remaining nurses, so I kept my mouth shut and God got me through it without throwing up. The next week I was expecting something similar to happen but there was no nausea, not even a little bit! (And yes, I got scolded for not saying something the week prior.) Mom said she had been praying my nausea would be less, and the Lord had impressed her that He could take the nausea away completely. She agreed that He certainly could if He wanted to, but she didn't ask Him to. Later that day, two people told her they had been specifically praying that I would have no nausea during that treatment. God wanted Mom to ask Him for more.

I know people around the world are praying for my healing, either complete or at least enough to get me through till Jesus comes and I can have a new body entirely. Some days I am sure He will show His power in a marked way, because so many with weak or new faith are watching to see what He does. Other days I feel like I should start planning my funeral so Daniel doesn't have to. Good thing faith isn't dependent on feelings and emotions! As my grandpa's favorite song says, "My Lord has promised good to me, / His Word my hope secures; /  He will my shield and portion be / As long as life endures. Through many dangers, toils, and snares / I have already come; / 'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, / And grace will lead me home."

Today's visit with the oncologist was good. My white blood cells are back up, so I can have my next chemo treatment tomorrow. The other bloodwork looked good, too, apparently. Some of my liver enzymes are starting to elevate, but that's to be expected with chemo and they're nowhere near the troublesome levels yet. The oncologist said the largest breast tumor felt much softer than he had expected, and the entire breast was much improved, the redness/inflammation gone and the swelling almost gone. He's ordered a CT scan so he can see what's actually happening inside. He's very happy with how things are looking, although I can tell he's still puzzled somewhat. 

We found out that my tumors have two genetic mutations, both of which are rare, but they both provide additional options for treatment in the future. However, both mutations are rare enough that not much research has been done yet to know how well the targeted treatments work long-term.

So I'm determined to ask God for more. More chemo treatments without nausea. Better liver functions than the doctor expects. Less pain, when everyone in my medical team expects me to be asking for stronger painkillers. More courage and joy to share with those around me. More tolerance (and even enjoyment) of foods that are good for me that I don't like to eat. A CT scan that shows the power of my Jesus to heal. More souls who fall in love with their Savior because of this valley I'm going through. Big things and little things. Why? Because the same Jesus who raised Lazarus from the dead, who gave Sarah a baby when she was 90, who healed lepers with a word or a touch - this same Jesus is my Jesus, and He hasn't lost His power to heal or His love for us. I'm ok if He chooses to say no to a request. But I'm asking anyway!

As is now becoming a tradition with these updates, enjoy one of the songs that has been running through my mind while I type this! My dear friend Sabrina reminded me of it, and you can listen to a beautiful rendition here.

Valleys? Or Mountains?

It's been a bit since I posted an update. Apologies for that! Between the roller coaster of this disease and the delightful visits of family and friends, I couldn't find the energy for this post until now.

If you skip over all the rest of my ramblings and musings, hold tight to this nugget of the update: God is still faithful. My Jesus' grace is still sufficient, and His strength is still perfect even in my weakness (see 2 Cor. 12:9). 

The medical details of this update aren't anything dramatic. There's nausea and other unpleasantness in the nitty gritty details of this valley. There's fatigue and the ever-present cough. Some days are better than others. I had my fourth chemo treatment to go to today. But in the weariness, the sickness, the pain, the worry - Jesus is there. The other night my back was hurting, the ice pack wasn't helping, and the ibuprofen hadn't kicked in yet. I was trying to fall asleep and not succeeding. So I told Jesus about it, and asked for His grace to endure it, but would He please make the pain subside enough so I could fall asleep. Next thing I knew, it was the wee hours of the morning, nature was calling, and I had gotten better sleep than I had for awhile. When I got back in bed, I started talking to Jesus again, this time thanking Him for answering my prayer for relief from the pain so I could sleep. The little thought floated through my mind as I drifted off, "I answer the small things to build your faith that I am also answering the bigger prayers. Ask more!" The psalmist wrote, "O Thou that hearest prayer, unto Thee shall all flesh come" (Ps. 65:2). Our God is the God known for hearing prayers. Hallelujah!

I've been thinking about valleys and mountains. In the figurative sense, everyone seems to want the mountaintop experience, the excitement and exhilaration of big things accomplished or wider horizons viewed. No one likes the valleys, with their trials and struggles, their closed-in sides, or their loneliness. But think of the literal mountains and valleys. The literal mountaintops are a struggle to get to; they rarely have an abundance of plant or animal life because the height of the mountain exposes it more severely to the weather. Literal valleys can indeed be barren wastelands, just look at America's Death Valley. But most valleys have an abundance of flora and fauna; they are protected by the surrounding mountains from the harshest weather. 

I've lived a good portion of my life in the valleys, both literal and figurative. Growing up in Tennessee, my family attended church (and music lessons, and countless other things!) in Dunlap, located in the Sequatchie Valley. I love that valley and the people I got to know there! I've lived most of my life in figurative valleys, too, most of which were hidden valleys that very few, if any, knew about. The obvious ones were growing up in a broken and blended family, going through a major medical emergency when I was 8 (complications with a surgery), and losing our house to a fire two days before Christmas the year I was 16. 

Here's what I'm beginning to realize about myself: I prefer the valleys. When it comes to the literal geological forms, I actually like both. But the figurative ones? Give me the valleys. And no, I'm not joking. It's quite simple, really. On the mountaintop, I can catch a glimpse of the Almighty, a taste of the power of the God I love and serve. But in the valley, He walks alongside me. To me, the mountaintop is necessary and inspiring, but lonely. I like the valley because my Best Friend is there. No, I don't like the trials and struggles. But I treasure the small reminders of His love for me that He scatters across my path with every step. I take courage during the hellish darkness of a painful thing because that's often when I hear His voice and feel His presence most clearly. Let me go back to the verse I referenced in the second paragraph. 

And He said unto me, "My grace is sufficient for thee: for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me" (2 Cor. 12:9).

I don't like all aspects of this latest figurative valley, but I won't deny that my soul is being refreshed in a way it hasn't been in years. Why? Because Jesus is walking closer to me through this valley than He's ever been before, and how can I not be thankful for that?! I will continue to choose joy in this valley, because the power of Christ is being seen through this.

One of my sweet sisters-in-law recently sent me the link to this song (listen here). It was a beautiful reminder for me, and I hope it blesses you as well. Until next time, keep trusting our Savior!